Passivity

It's 1:08 a.m. and I want to do something more with my life. Not right now, but generally. I've been peeking through my calendar and have realized I don't have enough going on. Except today. Today I had a dentist appointment and had to buy groceries. This overlapped plans I made with a friend, who called me and I felt like total shit. I rarely ever forget plans. I forgot to write it on my calendar, hence, going to her place disappeared from my mind. My calendar is the only thing that keeps me on track with anything.

I also use it to write down what I did on various days, because I can never remember and sometimes that stuff is important.

But this all leads back to looking it over, mostly to see what I need to remember to avoid standing anybody up, and I saw I had a very fluffy schedule: movies and dinners with friends, dance class, bill payments... things that matter, sure, but as a compilation, not all I want going on for myself.

I would like to do more beneficial things, like the ovarian cancer walk I did in September. I looked into volunteering at Planned Parenthood. It's something I feel strongly about, especially lately when I hear about the anti-abortion add-ons to the health bill being passed to the senate in the states.

I also have thought about the humane society. I love cats. Love cats. But it seems like a terribly popular volunteer option and perhaps like Planned Parenthood there will be no spots available for some time. I have to check back with PP in July next year. That's pretty much forever away.

I need to give this some more thought. I'm turning 27 in less than two weeks. I would like this next year of my life to mean a little more, be something better than what I've been doing.

I've been thinking a good deal about death in general lately. More and more I doubt the existence of an afterlife. I really want to believe there's one, but somehow it seems implausible. I mean, we're human beings, intelligent animals, a species on Earth evolved over time who have managed to gain dominance over the planet.

When I was younger I thought God devised evolution as a way to watch the world unfold because eternity was a long time and he would need something to watch. And I figured we were his intended end result.

But why dinosaurs? Why make them and wipe them out or design a system that would take them out and make room for us? Doesn't really fly, somehow. So these days I figure we're all accidents, miracles of nature, and there is no plan or design and we better take care of the Earth because our legacy is all we got going for us in terms of living past death.

Pessimistic? Maybe. But the idea of doing more with my life comes from that idea. It's easier to do less if you believe you have all the time in the universe to exist. If you have at best another 60 years if nothing goes wrong, you ought to get an idea what you want your life to mean.

I'd like to be a bit more serious about my life's direction. I think I've been too passive.