The Colonic

I had a colonic yesterday. Yes, I do those. In fact, in addition to a facial and manicure, I plan on getting a colonic before my wedding so I will be comfortable.

So, bearing in mind what I'm going to be talking about, this may not be the post for you.

Continuing on...

I have IBS and I was experiencing a lot of... inactivity lately. This is usually solved with a round or two of magnesium citrate before bed. It comes in a raspberry-citrus flavour and you mix it with hot water and drink it like a tea. It "hydrates" your lower intestine and thus gets the show on the road down there. No pain, no fuss. Very effective.

Well, that wasn't working. When you can two tablespoons of magnesium days in a row and you haven't had a hint of an rear door exit, you know you have to take more drastic measures.

(My friends and I have been laughing lately about how bowel movements have made their way into our regular conversation. Years ago I would have said, "EWW!" Now? Hell, it's a regular part of my life, ironic pun intended, so I'm less skeeved when talking about it now. Guess I'm getting old.)

Anyhoo, I made an appointment at this place near Ossington station. I had a deal and I wanted to give 'er a try. I have a place I trust already, but I wanted to see if this new place, which is closer to my home, would work out.

Well, it didn't. Oh, it worked-worked. But I'm not going back. Why?

1. I like my colonic clinics to be more clinical looking. This place had an indie vibe, the sort that's charming for a boutique or therapist's office, but if I'm having a tube up my butt, I want to feel like I'm at the hospital.

2. There were two session rooms and one bathroom. At D'Avignon they have a toilet in every room. At this place you might get stuck waiting. And for those who haven't done this before, when you have to go during or after a colonic, there's nothing in the entire world more pressing (Yes, I know, but puns are too easy when you're talking about poo). There was a grip on the wall and while the bathroom was being "reserved" for me, I gripped it and twitched. I don't remember what I was thinking about. Everything I was or had ever been had been reduced to the singular need to go to the bathroom. Because a toilet was not in the room, I had to wait twice as long.

3. I had to wait 15 minutes past my appointment and when I came back from the bathroom, she told me to get dressed. So I got about 20-25 minutes instead of 45. At D'Avignon, they get you right back on the horse and give you your time.

4. At D'Avignon, if you're cramping they add peppermint oil to the water. The ladies there are also nicer. I get relaxed enough there to start cracking jokes as I watch god knows what fly out of my body and down the tube. They all seem rather taken with their work, too, and want to know all the details about your digestion. The woman who dealt with me was a quiet-spoken serious person who tried too hard to sell me products. I also got the sense she was not terribly interested in what I had to say.

In the end I got what I needed. An obstruction is gone and my stomach is no longer distended. I'm comfortable, comparatively gas-free and I have that rare sensation of understanding what it must feel like to be normal. When I touch my stomach now, I keep expecting my hand to find my tummy a couple inches out further. It's so lovely to not feel so bogged down and round.

But I left the colonic feeling emotionally disgruntled. I'm not terribly inclined to list this place by name and call them out, but if anyone in TO wants to try this sort of treatment for their digestive issues, I think I've made my recommendation clear.