Baby Focus

Oh man, I am at an impasse in my life.

This is the age. Now, if you never want kids, this isn't the age at all. You will have more time to do everything you want to do because your looming infertility isn't on the horizon and you can take things slower or faster without worrying about the sacrifices involved in becoming a parent. And don't think this knowledge isn't tempting. On an intellectual level, it has a definite allure.

But when your heart knows you want a child, there's no reasoning your way out of it. I think of how gross it'll be for many years. Hell, when I was 6 I saw a mom wipe a kid's nose and think, Ugh, I never want to do that. And thinking on it, my mom rarely wiped my nose. I recall her tolerating sniffling a lot. That's one way to avoid the ick. And yet I still want to do it.

I think of the reduced income. Despite formulating a frugal plan that will involve cloth diapering, breastfeeding, making my own baby food and buying things second-hand, there will be things like daycare to consider. Daycare in this city is wild. Not unfair, mind you. Daycare service providers need to pay their bills, eat, and live, plus cover all their overhead, hence they charge what they need to. But still. Damn. And despite less money, I still want to do it.

The Dude and I are saving for Paris. We want to spend a week there, have one good hurrah before we plan for a family. But really? I wouldn't be that disappointed if we couldn't go, say, due to me already being pregnant. No, I'm not expecting or anything. But Paris < baby. I want the adventure, but I'd be okay without it.

It's been easy to keep this desire quiet for the last three years, which is when it cropped up. The Dude was going back to school, something that doesn't make for a good financial situation if you're a new parent.  Then it was because I was unmarried, which is something I wanted to do first. I originally thought buying a house would be prudent, but now that we've been significantly out-priced of the market for the foreseeable future, I'd rather not wait any longer. House prices fluctuate, finances change. Fertility only goes south, and so that's the call I'm heeding.

Somehow people still aren't aware that making babies in your late 30s can be hard sailing, and sometimes you can get aged out of the boat. You don't even know what kind of fertility you have until you try. But statistically, after 30 things start dropping, and by 35 you're racing against time. 5.5 years is not really that much time. I've learned that just by writing this blog. Three years have zoomed past and it's felt like practically nothing. Putting things off longer and longer would risk me losing out on something I want.

I think about having a child every day. I wonder if that's something my body is doing to me or if it's an emotional vocation to parenthood. I think maybe also I'm just tired of my focus being on me.