17.5

I think I'm turning an emotional corner on my pregnancy. I'm four months now. I get aches, pains, fatigue, but the kicks are becoming a gentle reminder of what I'm doing this all for. And that helps. I went to the midwife today and apparently feeling them at 16 weeks is early. Not inconceivable, but early, especially for a first-time mother.

What can I say? I have IBS and no torso to speak of. I'm intimately in tune with my body's inner workings at all times. Usually it's doing something unpleasant.

The Dude the other day wanted me to take Tylenol for my aches and I got annoyed. I thought he was tired of having to massage my back. But after getting grouchy I realized that wasn't it. He just gets frustrated seeing me in pain and wants there to be something I can take to make it all better.

Well, if I took a painkiller every time I felt uncomfortable, I'd be dead of a Tylenol overdose. I've long known I had a cervix, but only now am I acutely aware of it as I get sharpish jabs from time to time. My menstrual cramps were always something I felt in my legs, like my blood was too thick to circulate and laid there stagnant and pulsing. So I never really sensed my uterus before. Now I do, all the time.

It's such an in-body, out-of-sort experience to lay your hand low on your own abdomen and feel a firm melon-like presence there. I just felt a kick. It's doing some manner of jig in there.

I feel a number of old concerns of mine slipping away. I'm freed from the worry I'm so bloated I look pregnant. I am pregnant. No more sucking it in for me. I'm not conscious of my waddling walk (due to bowed legs and misaligned feet-- thanks for pointing that out and making fun of me throughout school, classmates) because waddling is just so much more natural feeling now. I don't worry about my productivity or excessive sleeping. I'm sorta busy making something every day and I'm totally allowed to nap, nap, nap.

This is also the only thing I feel like blogging about right now. I live with this 24/7. Each moment is a moment spent pregnant and I find it impossible to forget about it. I find myself able to converse about many other topics, but my overwhelming need is to let these thoughts out and share them. I'm being physically transformed too quickly to get used to the changes. I'm really along for the ride, basically.

It's 3:00 a.m. Perhaps to bed?