Motherhood

Having a new baby at home means keeping things simple. There are no Pinterest craft projects here, nothing making the experience more precious or unique. We just manage the intake of food versus the output of waste. We try to discern whether a fart contained a mess. We decipher cries (Hungry? Needs a diaper? Gas?) and we change our son in and out of clothes as he pukes on them. This has happened three times. The smell is unpleasant.

We did wind up with a good baby, though. He doesn't enjoy screaming for the sake of it. He mostly sits around like a happy little nugget and coos and otherwise enjoys being here. He's not immune to being fussy, but I'd say we lucked out. This child is a delightful baby.

Happy as a clam.

I'm doing alright. The week of his birth was really low for me. I still haven't brought my milk supply up. The wee lad is taking in 4 ounces and there is no way I can produce that right now. I'm averaging half an ounce per go. I'm on meds to increase supply, and we're using a tube to feed him formula while I feed. This allows Jack to suck, thereby sending signals to my body to make more milk, and still get enough to eat at the same time. And I'm pumping as well. I still may lose my milk all the same and I'm doing my best to approach that with some grace.

With a C section, you can experience delayed milk, which happened. An infection doesn't help, and being separated from your newborn for days is definitely a hinderance. Having such a big baby who needs a lot of milk means you face a further obstacle to making enough for him when you're essentially starting from scratch. With everything I'm doing to try and fix this, combined with all the problems that were thrown at me, I at at least know I won't blame myself if I fail.

My recovery is going well, much better than it was. My midsection has shrunk considerably. I'm nearly back to my original size. The skin, on the other hand, is looking mighty upset. And there is no tone there to speak of. But it is a three-step process: shrink down, tighten skin, and tone muscle.

I've been sweating through a towel every night. I had to start sleeping on one almost immediately. I was so swollen with excess water and now it's pouring out of me. I suppose it's helping me whittle down, but dude. Seriously. It's no way to sleep. Jack wakes up wanting something to eat and I realize I'm clammy and gross.

My aunt is here with me. I have many aunts, and this one is the aunt I stay with when I go back to my hometown. She's been like a surrogate mother for me in my adult years. We have her help for another week. I should be well recovered by the time she goes home, and hopefully more equipped to handle motherhood on my own during the day.

This whole thing is life altering and wild. I have no regrets, but occasionally I'm phased by it all, and what I'm able to deal with when I have to.