Tired

So, cat's out of the bag. I'm "out" about my pregnancy. Keeping it on the down low was a challenge. I found it hard to write anything because many aspects of my day related to my symptoms, which were taking over my life.

I'm feeling better now. I'm at 14 weeks and I'm no longer sick to my stomach and hating most foods, so I'm no longer suffering. But damn, I am tired. And when I'm not tired, any physical exertion makes it happen at a shocking pace.

The Dude and I went out for sushi with my cousin and his girlfriend, new to Toronto. We had a lovely meal, and then suddenly I was exhausted. I had to go home because I wanted/needed to spend the rest of the evening lying down and resting.

We had brunch with Buddy B and his girlfriend, and had a nice afternoon, walking around the neighbourhood, and whammo. I needed a nap, and wound up taking one that lasted nearly three hours.

Despite this recent social activity, I am actually seeing my friends less. I've become lame. My energy levels are at a minimum and though everyone assures me they understand ("You're making life. Of course you're tired!"), I can't help but feel like a wet blanket. I make fewer calls and I get fewer calls. I'm too worn out most of the time to initiate plans and I think everyone believes me too tired to join in the fun now, which has thus far been the case many times.

I keep waiting for the fog to lift, so to speak, but the fatigue remains. I get lonely sometimes. And then I go take a nap.

I can't help but feel too that if my mom were here, I'd really be enjoying my pregnancy a lot more. It seems on top of the physical symptoms there's a world of "Pregnancy: you're doing it wrong" advice out there that is souring my experience. I think a big part of the picture I'm missing is my mom's excitement and good vibes.

Frankly, I've been looking forward to and dreading this time in my life since she died. I knew doing this without her would be painful. And it is. It's an isolating sense of loneliness because no matter how many other people are happy for you, if your mother is gone, the person (other than your partner) that you need most and who would be the most involved is missing. You feel it. Sometimes it feels like a gaping hole.

Siesta

I am a vibrant, energetic young woman. Seriously, I've been tired for so long I don't remember what it's like not to be tired. I get enough sleep each night, about eight hours. I'm eating better than I ever have in my life. Fruits and vegetables were not a major component in my childhood, but they are now. I get my weekly exercise via dance class and wherever I go, I do plenty of walking. There are no personal vehicles in my life. My weight is normal.

So what the hell? I'm exhausted. I feel like I need a nap. I feel foggy. Yesterday, for example, I got up after a full night's rest, had a shower and drank a tea. I still needed a nap before I went out after work. I was just too tired. I find it hard to wake up in the morning.

Maybe I need more fresh air? Maybe I'm lacking in certain vitamins? Maybe I'm missing something?

So I called the doctor for an appointment. They were going to see me in a few days, but then I realized I was due for a physical and I didn't want to have to make two trips. And then I wanted it on my day off because I don't like rushing around with my work to make appointments if I don't have to, particularly since I've been needing naps. So I have to wait a month.

Man, I could go for a nap right about now.

My cousin sent out her destination wedding info, so now the saving and paying can start. $1,500 a piece to go to Mexico. Is this what the Dude and I really should be spending our money on? Probably not. But we're doing it anyway. We've never travelled together. Funny thing, I've gone on tropical vacations with two other boyfriends in the past, and within months of those trips we've broken up. And on those trips there were beefs about how to spend the time.

I think the Dude and I would be fine, as we're happy and comfortable leaving each other alone, doing our own thing, and don't need an activity together to enjoy each others company. I could see him wandering about on side trips to take photos while I lounge by the pool with a drink and a book.

I wouldn't mind being tired in Mexico. Then my napping would be called a siesta.