Dawson's Creek Reviewed

One reason I've not been posting as often is I've been involved in a side blogging project. My best friend from high school and I were all about Dawson's Creek. As teenagers we just thought this show was it. Now we're revisiting it and reviewing it as adults, one a week, taking turns.

Here's the link: Up Dawson's Creek: Dawson's Creek Reviewed

If I may say so, we're awesome.

Jamie Bell Playground

How does one even cover a missed month of blogging? I think the answer is just don't bother.

So, today I took Jack to High Park playground for the first time. It wasn't our first time to High Park. We'd gone for the cherry blossoms within a month of him being born last year. I was exhausted quickly and we left after a small amount of time.

One Month old and giving zero hoots about the park.

Today was better. Actually, better is an understatement. Jamie Bell Adventure Playground is amazing and now that Jack can walk confidently he zoomed all over the place. I like that it's sectioned off into differing levels where small children to older kids are fairly separated and the toddlers and kindergarteners can mosey about at their own pace.

From a distance the playground is pretty cool looking, but when you get right into the space you can see tunnels and nooks and crannies and tubes all over the place. What an incredible play space. And I like that the little kids section is fenced off so they can't easily run off.

I tried to get to get Jack to attempt climbing, but this guy was having none of it. Babies are so funny. They seem to zero in on certain abilities and milestones and ignore the rest. With all the babbling he's doing lately, I hope the next thing he's interested in is speech.

A year later and lovin' some park.

Sometimes I miss mat leave. I wish I could have had it end after a few months of great weather rather than the polar vortex. If I was still off I'd be taking Jack out to all kinds of fun places now that the snow is gone. But I have to settle for weekends. But at least those weekends can be awesome.

A pop-in

Sometimes life gets in the way of blogging, even when what you blog about is your life.

I've let almost all of April pass without a post. And what has happened? My son's first birthday, and an Easter exodus out of Toronto to our hometown where we stopped into three different houses for three nights, all with varying degrees of childproofing, with our highly active running baby. And it was fun. Exhausting, but fun. Being around family has a way of lightening your load, physically and mentally.

But it's so late. I can't write properly now. I only pop in to mention I've not forgotten about my blog. I will be back.

2-Week-Long Cold

Jesus Murphy. It's been forever. But I've been sick. Two weeks! And I've been pushing through and chugging along because that's what you do. Back in the day I would have done my work, and then passed out on the couch. Now I have to go pick up Jack from daycare and take care of him till bath and bed. The Dude has had crazy times at work and hasn't been getting home till around 7:00, missing everything.

Then there's shopping to do for him, his laundry, and cleaning up from play time. Then I can rest. But it hasn't been enough rest to get better. I've been taking Advil and Buckley's cold pills all this time because swallowing hurts, congestion is coming and going and I've been making out okay. Jack's birthday party was on Sunday and I made sure I was full of pills to see me through.

I'll write about his birthday another time. Yesterday was his actual birthday and I had a doctor's appointment, had to stop work early and the Dude picked up Jack (late) instead of me because I had a fever. I'm now off until Tuesday on doctor's orders. I was told I should find someone else to care for my baby, but who? This is when having family around would make a big difference. I can't exactly call them up three hours away and ask them to make the journey over this. Surgery, sure. But not a virus. This is one of those things you just have to sort out on your own and it stinks.

Today I slept until 2:00 p.m. I couldn't even believe it, but I must've really needed the rest. The Dude just texted me and said he couldn't pick up Jack today. So that means I have to go out in the rain and do it myself. *Sigh* Two steps forward, one step back. And this is how your illnesses linger when you have a small child. They bring germs in and then require more work out of you, leaving little room to get better.

It was hard yesterday, not picking him up, not touching him, trying to avoid making him sick. He was so cute playing with his dad and smiling and clapping. And just like a year ago, I was too incapacitated to really enjoy him.

Nuts to this cold.

Dreams

Jack was unwell when I picked him up from daycare yesterday, and he had a fever. So today he's home with me, after a grand total of six work shifts.

On my second week back to work, six days total under my belt. And my baby got a fever at daycare and now I need time off. #mommyproblems
— Jennifer Allan (@jendraberri) March 19, 2014

He's getting some much-needed sleep right now. I was thinking about how some people have their parents to rely on in times like this. My work is good about accommodating this kind of thing, but it doesn't make me feel like a good employee to need time off this soon. But he needs me, so here I am. And, honestly, I'm the best person to make sure he sleeps and drinks enough.

But thinking about not having my mom gave me one of my old dreams, the one where she's still alive.

Normally they fall along a certain pattern. I find out she's not dead yet, but she's left me anyway, to go live her life somewhere else, to die away from me after doing things on her own first. I chase what feels like a shadow, look for clues, ask others, beg for a phone number, anything. I always wake up before I find her.

This time was a little different. She did leave, but now she's better and wants to see me. I'm so excited, and I'm trying to get to her, trying to dial a phone that won't work, be where I'm supposed to be with obstacle after obstacle in my way.  I get messages and encouragement. And my son is alive in this dream. She wants to meet him. Everything is going to be better.

And then just like that, it's crushed. She faked her death, so I can't see her or the life insurance will sue. She won't see me. She goes back into hiding. I get to see a picture. She's happy. I know she loves me. And I wake up.

These dreams would haunt me more if they weren't the only opportunity I get to see her. And at least this time she wanted to see me back.

First Week Of Daycare

Jack has spent a week at daycare. He's eaten his weight in food, dropped a bottle from his daily feed and is not taking much in the way of naps.

Home after a busy day of daycare.

The eating part I'm feeling pretty great about. He's nearly a year old. Moving away from formula is a good move. The sleep part worries me. I've been so militant about it, going well out of my way to ensure he sleeps enough. But it's hard on him being somewhere new and trying to sleep there.

This weekend he stumbled around like a drunk, exhausted even after naps. He slept in. And today he had a leaky eye, runny nose and I got a call that he started running a mild temperature. He'd napped only an hour all day. He barely wanted dinner, so I did his bath routine 45 minutes early. And he's been waking up every 30 to 90 minutes with a cough or cry. Poor pumpkin.

And poor me.

You know, what's hard about being a parent isn't necessarily the extra labour. It's often the unknown variables you deal with. It's the lack of a support system when you're living away from most of your family. It's wondering how you balance your work obligations with your baby's needs. It's all the mental and emotional space your baby takes up in your mind and your heart.

Like right now, what do I do? He's wetting one fewer diapers than normal. Is it because he's sick? I don't want to wake him, but is his temperature staying steady? Was it the right thing to put him to bed early, or does that have anything to do with his restless sleep? These little choices feel so large.

I'm liking being back at work, but when Jack isn't feeling well, I don't want him away from me. I think he'll get better faster in my care. And I don't want to take time off work my second week back. He went till nine months without so much as a sniffle, and he's had three colds since, which actually lines up nicely with the increase in trips to the Early Years Centres and daycare. Sigh.

I wouldn't go back, but that doesn't mean there isn't a part of me that wistfully recalls my simpler life, which I didn't even appreciate as being simple. I can admit I struggle with certain aspects of domesticity, and throwing another person's needs into the mix at times feels daunting.

With him feeling under the weather, I feel no sense of predictability about tomorrow. At least this whole night has not been spent with him crying. Some sleep is happening. Maybe the morning will be okay. Maybe.

God, I'm lucky he's an easy baby. Jack is not the baby I deserve, but he is the baby I need.

End of Maternity Leave

I'm at the end of my mat leave. My last day was February 23, 2013. I took a little vacay, mat leave began on March 1, and bolstered by a little more vacay, I'm due back at work on Tuesday. Jack starts daycare on Monday.

Friday was the last real day, where I had my baby all to myself while the Dude was at work. And it was a really great day. In fact, I had a really good week. Jack had been kind of sick for two weeks, so we didn't do much for awhile. But last week was really lovely.

Monday the Dude took the day off and we went to the subsidy office.

Tuesday I took Jack to an Early Years Centre in the morning.

Wednesday I took Jack to an Early Years Centre in the afternoon.

Thursday a mom friend came over with her little boy in the afternoon for a nice visit.

Friday I took Jack for a long walk after a day of him eating plenty and taking great naps.

So, it's ending on a high note. The notes haven't all been high, but now that my leave is ending I realize just how much I'll miss it. It's an era of my life that's over. I watched my baby grow and it's been a sweet time.

Deep down, I guess I used to feel like parents had some sort of protocol or idea of what they're doing... but we're all really just flying kind of blind. I made everything up as I went, Googling, asking my doctor and other moms for information, and now I feel like I've got some sort of handle on it all. And just in time to go back to work and do things I'm completely rusty at.

I was rocking Jack in the glider yesterday evening as I fed him his last bottle of the day and I had a little cry. Very soon that time of the day is going to really matter more to me than ever before. At the end of a day of work, I'm going to have to get as much out of our time together as I can, all two hours of it.

The Dude and Jack have a great relationship, and sometimes the Dude doesn't even get to see Jack at the end of the day, though when he does he says it's amazing quality time. So I can't be afraid of our connection going anywhere. I was raised with daycare and was very attached to my mother.

It's just I don't think I'm fully ready for it to be over. That's all. If I could just have one more month, maybe, or two. There's so much I'm going to miss.

You know, it took me some time to adjust to being a mother, to truly fall in love with my baby and to get into a groove where I wasn't feeling inadequate. And now I'm there. But at least maternity leave did that for me. It gave me the time I needed to become confident and competent and to create a relationship with my son. I can't imagine what American mothers go through, leaving their babies at 6 weeks, 12 weeks... I had over 11 months and that still doesn't feel like enough.

But here we are. I'm lucky. I just have to remember that. Jack will be just fine, and soon so will I.

We'll still have Sundays.