The Goose

Okay, so I haven't updated in forever. I know. Bad blogger. I've been seriously preoccupied. With what? Oh, I'll get into that later. Not today, but soon.

I was telling the Dude today about my high school years. He already knows all about it, but I brought up this goose I used to carry around with me in my OAC year (That's grade 13 to an non-Ontario folks, though it's a thing of the past now).

See, it might have been a duck, but I called it a goose. I was called "duck" by a number of boys in school for years, so I was more inclined to believe it was actually a goose. It went on for years, the teasing, though stopped for reasons that still remain vague to me. There may have been a variety of reasons.

In grade 11, my grandfather died and my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer within weeks of each other. In grade 12, my mother died and I moved in with my father at grandma's house, where I lived with his substance abuse problems full time and was randomly kicked out several times. Then in OAC we moved out of grandma's and she died soon after. Around this point I was dumped for the first time. And that's just the stuff I can write publicly about. It was a rough three years.

When I attended a friend's birthday party in OAC, she was given this stuffed goose and I for some reason felt drawn to it. My friend was good. She pretty much allowed me to adopt the thing when parting with it at the end of the night seemed to upset me.

This goose became a sort of talisman/security blanket/compulsion with me. I had to carry it around. I took it to class. He sat upright on the corner of my desk. He came with me to lunch. He was in my hands on the bus. I never left for school without it.

Did I lose my mind a bit? I wouldn't say that. But I think something in me was broken, damaged and in need of comforting. A little regression maybe. People questioned me about the thing, yes, but actually, I don't remember getting too much flack for it. Teachers looked the other way after laughing weakly at my confusing behaviour. Popular kids who had been hurtful to me years earlier said nothing. My friends accepted the goose as par for the course and life went on.

I don't know why I brought it up today, but my oldest friend posted this picture on Facebook of me and another friend of ours in high school, and there was the goose.

I showed it to the Dude, who I think never fully believed me. Photo evidence of a burgeoning teenage breakdown, held in check from a benign addiction to a stuffed animal. We do what we can to stay okay. Some kids would have started drinking. Others would have done drugs. I carted a goose around. I'm comfortable with that.

10 years ago.

So, I have been taking photos of my garden with the Dude's spiffy camera, but I don't know how to get the pictures off said camera. So all I can say at present is that the garden is green and growing and you'll have to trust me that I haven't killed everything off brown-thumb style and am covering my tracks.

The other day the Dude and I were talking about what sports our old high schools had and I hadn't thought that we had certain teams and he was sure we did. So, out came the yearbooks and of course this led to browsing them for memories.

And I had forgotten just how much I hadn't enjoyed high school. But not to worry, it all came back to me as I was flipping pages and becoming increasingly sad. Well, perhaps "sad" is the wrong word. It's more of a muted sense of isolation, inadequacy and stress.

In the 10 years since graduation no other place or era of my life has managed to generate the same response from me.

In college I made only a few friends, but they're friends I've not only managed to keep, but have become even closer to over the years. And there was no bullying, no distinct cool people looking down their noses at anyone, and everybody was free from being the person that everyone thought they were based on perceptions formed from five years ago.

There were times then I felt left out or lonely, but I'm introverted and that's my lot in life sometimes. I never felt open contempt for who I was, and that was the stark difference.

When I was in high school, I started out with a group of friends from elementary school. One dropped me completely and the others never truly seemed to want me around by the end of grade 10. Perhaps we'd grown apart, perhaps newcomers to our circle changed the dynamic and I no longer fit in. Maybe both, maybe something else.

Within days of grade 11 starting, I had a whole new set of friends. It had been gradually coming on in grade 10, and after being ignored most of the summer, it seemed our old connection was dead. And my new friends were odd people, so in a sense I was home.

But having some key friends doesn't prevent you from being harassed. Boys started quacking at me, an old teasing tactic from grade 6-8. I'm bow-legged and my knees and feet aren't aligned straight. I walk a little off-kilter with my toes pointed out, like a duck.

So a chunk of grade 11 was spent being quacked at by boys I grew up with, and eventually by boys I didn't even know. Everyone knows this type, a sort who jumps on a bullying bandwagon: they're not terribly intelligent or good-looking, perhaps they come from money and they have a misplaced sense of their own importance which translates into a really snide arrogance.

If not for the fact my mom had cancer at the time and I had to go home each day and see her sick body and try to sleep at night, occasionally listening to her vomit from chemo, I might have had an easier time handling the additional stress of social nonsense. But such as it was, in addition to the teenage angst, it was a troubling time.

I flipped through the pages of my last years of school and reflected on how I was only ever merely there at that school, and never a part of it. I'd show up, sometimes get made fun of, fall asleep in my classes, talk to my friends, do my time and leave. I left for a semester and while I was gone my mom died. And amidst the strangers in my class I felt a sense of community, something that I know I wouldn't have felt at my "real" school, not surrounded mostly by people who looked at me and saw a loser.

I had friends at my old school, but when the people who don't like you seem to outnumber the people who do, or at least when it feels that way, being surrounded by people who either like you or don't know you is a bit more comforting.

I think that's what being taunted by your classmates does to you. And it came back in waves as I turned the pages. And so I closed the book. I immediately felt better. It's amazing how easy it is to go back there, emotionally, but it's thrilling how simple it is to make it go away.

I love getting older. And I guess I'm thankful my glory days weren't in high school because life has only gone up since leaving. So, maybe it was nice to take the time to appreciate that.

Kids are graduating high school right now. It's been 10 years since my grad. The Dude and I were browsing tuxes for the wedding today and I saw a teen looking for a prom suit. Sometimes that sort of thing makes me feel old. This time it made me feel grateful.

My So-Called Quarterlife

So I've been re-watching old episodes of My So-Called Life. Man, I was 12 when that show came on the air, and sadly only 13 when it was cancelled. I was in grade seven. It kind of defined for me a burgeoning teenage existence. I was too young to long for the independence and excitement that Angela wanted, but I was close.

It hit me around the same time, my grade 10 year. I felt stuck in a rut, like I didn't belong with my current friends and like my look and personality and the way everyone saw me all revolved around some bland and equally off-putting image that I couldn't break out of. I fantasized about changing schools or starting over in another city.

Since I didn't have the balls for that, I changed my hair. I chopped it all off, and for good measure I had huge blond chunks highlighted in the front and only the front. It was very punky and nothing anyone would have expected from me.

I also got new friends, and one in particular I could get in trouble with, the kind of trouble you want as a teenager: alcohol, sneaking out, secret parties, and all kinds of drama. So in a way, you could say I followed the My So-Called Life, well, life. I found my own Rayanne, so to speak, left my old friends and radically altered my appearance. Only my old friends I don't think noticed I left and there was no tears shed over my leaving.

I remember feeling like life was really happening. When I watch the show now I feel a nostalgia, not for the show, but the fact so much of that teenage drama and angst was real. Sadly, I also now relate to the adults who think Angela is being difficult or unreasonable. I didn't see it at the time.

I wish there was a show on now about this era of life. There have been a few stabs at it. I guess Friends counts. But it was hardly an attempt at realism, and even when I watch the first season now when we're supposedly the same age, they still look damn old to me. Then there was the failed Quarterlife show, cancelled after one episode.

I can't recall any others, none that really are about being in your 20s and the transition period of life. Where some of your friends are finishing school, others are getting their first jobs, some are buying homes while you still rent, and some are married and even have kids. It's a time in your life you can still feel like a kid while shouldering adult responsibilities and looking over said shoulder at others becoming full-fledged adults while you stay behind.

It's not like when you're a teen in high school and everyone is more or less in the same boat. It's not like early 20s where the differences aren't so great yet. The mid to late 20s is when everyone's life choices all come into focus and you can't help but compare.

There has always been and will always be shows about high school. I think that's probably because that short stint in our lives scars us all a little and we can't help but revisit it in various ways. I wonder why no one talks about what comes after that, after high school, and after college, but before your 30s (and the spouse, the kids, the house, the whatever).

I think there are stories to tell. Things happen to us before we go down the aisle and procreate.

So maybe I like it

So as it turns out, I kinda like hot yoga. The first time I was unprepared for the level of heat and exhaustion. This time the class sort of flew by. And it's always the same routine, which really helps the minutes tick away. Also, amazingly, after only my second class, I was able to touch my toes in certain stretches, something that has never happened for me before ever.

Yes, I'm 27.5 years old and this is a first. Fancy that, eh?

You know, it's kind of funny. The things you think you're going to like or get into or even try are so far off base when you're a teenager. When I was 13-15, I wanted to learn guitar. Now, I have about zero musical ability, and in fact I tried to learn piano for about five years. I never really progressed and strangely the year I quit I stopped understanding math. Buzuh?

Anyway, I thought it'd be cool to learn guitar. I also wanted to learn to ride horses. I did ride a horse once when I was 20 and I didn't care for it. Plus, as it turns out, large animals make me nervous. I mean, they're neat and I like to look at them and I enjoy the idea of a horse, but yeah. That's about it.

When I was 15 I thought I was going to wait for marriage to have sex. I thought that would happen by 25 and then I'd start having babies. I was also pro-life (because virgins don't have to worry about that sort of thing, and it's easy to lack empathy when it's not your problem).

Pretty much you never know what you're going to do or like. Hell, I didn't even think I liked peppers, green beans, zucchini (See a pattern here? I thought I hated vegetables), tomatoes, oranges, eggs, brown bread...

And now I'm belly dancing, eating Indian food and stirfry, living with my boyfriend, now taking up yoga and generally not doing or being anything I had planned on doing or being. Is this really how long it takes a person to figure out who they are? Almost 30 years?

Huh.

'Dem Teens

Teen movies I saw in the theatre (As a teen, of course)

Can't Hardly Wait
She's All That
American Pie
American Pie 2
The New Guy
10 Things I Hate About You
Clueless

I remember liking them all, much the way I remember liking McDonalds before I developed better taste buds. The ones aimed at girls were about popularity and its relationship with dating opportunities. The ones aimed at boys were about getting laid at parties. The ones that were unisex had male leads and were about both. And this is the same crap that was available in the '80s, only with different fashion, music and slang.

16 Candles
Weird Science
Pretty in Pink
Some Kind of Wonderful

They're all just rehashes, right? Uncool girl saved from uncoolness by attractive cool boy who has an epiphany that the uncool girl is actually hot deep down inside? The less attractive girl is finally really noticed? The nerdy guy gets the girl and the last laugh and wins in the end? The popular girl decides to go for the less cool guy. The end!

And I'm pretty sure the same old nonsense is being re-done for the millennials. Is that what we call the '00s? Who knows. Anyway.

Know what I think teens need more of? The Breakfast Club. But not a remake, but other topics than dating, getting drunk and laid. Stuff about self identity, real conversations, things that would be relevant to the target audience. Only not played by people in their 20s.

Just worked on a teen movie that covers all the basic shtick: cool girl gets dumped, ditsy popular girls and their cool boyfriends, nerds liking sci-fi, alcohol being the key to coolness, getting laid at parties and crushes coming to fruition.

I've been wondering, are teenagers really vapid and flakey? Or is it just life imitating art? I remember the images I grew up with of what teenagers are supposed to be and do. I thought, if that's what it is, then that's what I want. Maybe if we expected more and presented more, then young people would be more.

Yesterday I watched a show about the Andes, where a 3-year-old could expertly peel potatoes with a sharp knife. I've long thought kids were too coddled these days, and I'm not suggesting every parent should teach their children knife skills, but certainly if children are capable of more than we allow them to learn, then definitely teenagers are capable of more depth than they show en mass. Am I right?

But our world in this hemisphere is doling out crap for them to consume, and it seems only crap. And a little bit of escapist drivel is a good time and harmlessly enjoyable, when in good balance with other things, like matters of higher thinking and reflection and honest insight. But where are those things to be found? Really, I have no idea.

Pregnant... no, not me

I have this thing for watching 16 And Pregnant. It's an MTV show for teenagers, real life teen girls dealing with their pregnancies. I can't exactly relate to it, having A. never been a teen mom, B. Not a teenager anymore, and C. Being a virgin through nearly all of high school.

It's just never something that came up. But I find it fascinating. The girls are either very mature and ready to do their best, or they're ridiculously naive, several fries short of a happy meal. The one thing they all have in common is that they didn't use condoms or the pill to prevent pregnancy.

Sweet mother of holy crap. I don't get it. I went to a Catholic school that refused to talk about birth control methods and my mom didn't sit me down for a sex talk, yet I knew the deal. Have sex = get pregnant. Have sex + condom and/or birth control pill = Tiny chance of pregnancy.

And it's not like these girls didn't know either. They didn't hear about contraceptives afterwards like, "What? Connn...doms? Pills? You mean there's pills to stop this from happening? And I can just buy condoms in the store? WHAT? They're FREE in various health clinics? Fuck!"

No, they knew. They just for some reason figured that they could have unprotected sex and still manage not to conceive. I don't know how. Perhaps they fancy themselves Jedi. "Sperm, you will not travel to the fallopian tubes..."

Crazy. I knew of a few teen moms in high school. Never inquired about how it happened. I always gave the benefit of the doubt that their methods failed, the condoms broke, regular human error. I thought that in this day and age it's not likely anyone would risk unprotected sex when so many options are available and the stakes are so high. Wrong!

I'll go on watching it. It's become a guilty pleasure. I'm too old to be warned about the perils of teen pregnancy, but that just means the seat on my high horse is especially cushy.

Moneys

Sometimes I want to be an angsty teen again, only because I never had to pack up all my belongings and pay the bills. Sure, I cried for no reason and had pimples and went to high school and over-analyzed my crushes, but whateves. I spent my money on candy. And to get said money, I babysat and worked at a pita place occasionally. Oh, and a hot dog cart. I really liked working at the hot dog cart.

I also spent money on clothes, movies, slushies, poutine, temporary tattoos, hair dye, highlights, nail polish and alcohol I bought on the sly. I miss that. I miss being an irresponsible frivolous person.

And now I'm off to go buy paint for my new apartment, and putty for the walls. Yep.

Happy 25th anniversary, MuchMusic. Your old audience remembers you fondly

So apparently MuchMusic doesn't play music anymore. And apparently it's 25 years old this month. I recall being 14 years old and watching this channel religiously to get a glimpse of Gavin Rossdale playing Glycerine. And of course once the video was over, it was OVER! It was either keep your finger firmly hovered over the record button on the VCR or just savour the alt-rock-grunge-ish hottness for the five minutes you got with it.

I was never handy with a VCR. I savoured, waiting for my favourite scenes in the video. The same went for Swallowed when it came out. There were a couple scenes where dude throws his hair around and my heart orgasmed. And then I moved on to Our Lady Peace for grade 12. Superman's Dead was my favourite and I haunted MuchMusic in wait of this video.

I'd always see what artist or group was being shown in Spotlight, which I don't even know is on the air anymore. And Fromage! Hot damn, I loved me some Ed The Sock and Fromage. When CHUM got sold off after Jim Waters died, Ed left and there hasn't been a Fromage since. And there hasn't been a New Year that's been quite as good since. Coincidence?

Flipping through my once beloved MuchMusic, I see Tila Tequila (I had to do a search to find out who this even was), Flavor of Love, Brooke Hogan Knows Best, and other reality type shows that don't have anything to do with music. Okay, I know Brooke Hogan is trying to become a singer, but let's get real. A good effort counts in horseshoes, but not the music industry.

I popped on to see what late night Much had to offer and there in the ungodly hours of the night was my teenage years for display. The Wedge, Videoflow... *sigh* Teenagers used to be interested in new music and artists and their stories and videos. Now they're not? Or they can just research them online and want TV to provide garbage? I suppose this is the hallmark of becoming an adult. The teenagers freak you out.

I think this is what Abe Simpson meant when he said, "I used to be with it. Then they changed what it was. Now what's it is strange and scary to me. It'll happen to you!"