To Bea or not to Bea

The visit to the vet was uneventful, other than Beatrice found the rectal thermometer rather undignified. But they seem okay. And thanks to the six-week trial vet insurance we got with the adoption, we saved about $100 in fees.

It's so strange having pets again. As much time as Smokey took because of his diabetes and his grumpy old man behaviours and needs, these kittens are taking a lot more of my mental and emotional energy. Mostly, I'm concerned about their socialization and trust. The past week and a half has been devoted to being with them and getting them used to me and learning to associate me with happy things, like food. Hell, I missed two dance classes over it.

Makes me remember getting Smokey and Jerry when I was 10. They were young and helpless, and I bonded to them immediately. I started fretting early on about the day they would grow old and die. I loved them so much I couldn't bear the knowledge I'd outlive them. Haven't gotten there with Sprinkles and Beatrice yet. Reason being, they haven't been as receptive to the love. They're older kittens, about 16 weeks as it turns out, and they likely missed many important weeks of socialization.

Kind of a fascinating thing. We bond so easily to living creatures that look like they need us, but it really takes more than a sweet face or their acceptance of our comfort to nurture love. It takes knowing that your affection is welcomed and reciprocated. They're still reacting from fear, though it's lessening every day. I don't think we'll really truly bond until they let go of their fear and start to really trust us, giving us the benefit of their kitty doubt that we have good intentions.

I have a lot of patience for this sort of thing. I'll wait them out, earn their trust and then have the satisfaction of loving them so much I'll dread losing them. What a reward for really loving someone, eh?

Etsy and Kitties

Okay, so I am addicted to Etsy. Mostly just browsing Etsy. It's incredible. I mean, how many talented artisans are there out there? Obviously not the ones that wind up on Regretsy, but you know. Online shopping has never been so good. It's like browsing a crafts fair, only you don't have to push through crowds, walk past boring booths or get a sunburn or exhaustion.

So I've been scoping out accessories for the wedding. I've found the hair piece, purse and jewellery I want, all on Etsy. And the beautiful part is they're inexpensive and I can read all the reviews of satisfied buyers. How did people shop for shit like this before the internet? They had to haul ass around various bridal shops, take whatever was available, and pay through the nose for it. Huge waste of time and monies.

I'm tempted to post pictures of my picks, but the Dude reads this puppy and I don't want him to see anything I'm going to wear.

Another thing I plan to get online is the cat cabin. Oh yes. As soon as we've moved downstairs, I'm buying that thing and plunking it down in my office. And of course the cuteness of watching kittens play in their own house will prevent me from ever being productive again.

The socialization of Bea and Sprinkles is coming along. I have them eat out of my hand now, as a way of building trust and initiating contact. The Dude hasn't had as much time with them as I have, so they're taking longer to warm to him. But Sprinkles and Bea are eating out of his hand as I write this and it's charming as heck. Bea is purring up a storm.

Thing is this happiness may not last long. I have to take them to the vet. Their eyes are sore and watery and Sprinkles is sneezing. I looked up the symptoms online and what they have appears to be a standard mild illness. But if it goes untreated, it'll make them uncomfortable for a long time. So off they go, and they'll get stressed out and the trust exercises will no doubt have to start all over again. That is, after we force them into their carrier, take them out in the cold, have a stranger handle them, force them back into the carrier, and then administer medications for potentially a couple weeks.

Sigh.

It's not like kids. Kids, though more challenging to raise and more expensive and time-consuming, will love you no matter what. Cats, though, cats are not such a sure thing. Cats can carry a grudge.

Smokey's Day Out

So weird there being no cats in the house. I really don't like it. It doesn't feel like home without Smokey here. Little guy's at the vet till 6:00 tonight. He's getting a glucose curve done. There's a chance he may not even be diabetic anymore. Wouldn't that be awesome!

With my luck, though, probably he needs some sort of pricey treatment and extra care. He is 16 and a half. I can't hope too hard for miracles.

The cat feeder went off at lunch time for Smokey's afternoon snack. I heard no pitter patter of his little paws running to eat. It was a lonely feeling. I miss him, and it's only been a few hours.

The vet technician observed I must be very attached to him, being a childhood pet. I am. I really don't think it's possible for me to feel more love than this for a cat. He's been my friend almost all my life. He's peed on me, ruined things, caused me inconvenience and worry. He's often needy and keeps me up at night. He meows all the time. And I wouldn't change him.

It's surprising to me all the same that one day without him at home feels so bad. I'm happiest at home when the Dude and Smokey are here and we're hanging out together. Where they are, my home is.

New plan...

Change of plans.

I took some time to reflect during a bath. Jerry was at the edge of the tub, looking miserable and staring into the wall. He looked at me, head low, eyes sad and tired. After I got out I tried to feed him again with the syringe and he wasn't really interested. And it hit me that after a biopsy in his mouth, if he doesn't want to eat now or can't, then he's really going to suffer tomorrow.

I can't do that to him, not for my own peace of mind.

I sobbed and held my cat. And then I called the vet, cancelled tomorrow's appointment and asked for one on Friday to end Jerry's pain. The Dude was beside me, crying and supporting my choice. I felt helpless and sick.

I hung up. And then Jerry jumped up from the foot of the couch with more ease than I've seen in days. He walked over to me, and sat in my lap and gazed at me. I stroked his face and it was the moment I had been waiting for. He didn't look pained or sad. I felt like he was letting me off the hook. He then walked down to my legs, curled up in a ball and fell into the most peaceful sleep I've seen him had in days. He even started to purr.

I don't know how cats know what they know. I don't know what they understand. But Jerry, I'm sure of it, knows I love him and that I'm going to do what I need to do to end his suffering. I feel a growing sense of acceptance about this, though the actual pain remains. We'll have our last day with him tomorrow, the Dude will come with me Friday, and then Jerry and I will go through this together.

Jerry the sweet

Jerry had his vet appointment yesterday. They took some blood and urine to see how his overall body function is, specifically his kidneys. They also found a growth under his tongue. It could be an ulcer, which would be a result of failing kidneys. Or it could be a tumour. The blood and urine tests come back today, which should offer more insight. But the ultimate test is a biopsy.

Yesterday cost $250. A biopsy would cost $450. And then there is treatment after the biopsy. Fuck me. I'm really worried about being able to afford his care. If I can't... well... that's it. And I can't bear the thought of not doing what needs to be done, not if it's life or death and the treatment would not only save his life but let it continue to be a quality life.

The nice thing is we have six cans of wet food here and Jerry loves it. Can't get enough. It's calorie rich, so that'll help put the weight back on. The vet said to give him as much as he wants. And it's encouraging that his appetite is just fine. That's one less symptom to be worried about. Seems the growth is what was making it too hard to eat kibbles.

The unfortunate thing about the food is Smokey. Smokey is diabetic and can't eat this delicious cat crack. And I know it's delicious stuff because I have never seen him so aggressive for a meal before. I've had to lock him in the living room while Jerry eats, which subjects me to lengthy wails and howls that both annoy me and break my heart.

So it's been an interesting day at home for me. I'm thankful I do work from home because I can take breaks to feed Jerry some water, see if he wants more food (the answer is almost always yes), brush his fur (his drool is making his fur icky) and otherwise spend time with him. And he's affectionate and sweet as always.

I hope he'll be okay. I really love him. I hear back about the test results today.