The Goose

Okay, so I haven't updated in forever. I know. Bad blogger. I've been seriously preoccupied. With what? Oh, I'll get into that later. Not today, but soon.

I was telling the Dude today about my high school years. He already knows all about it, but I brought up this goose I used to carry around with me in my OAC year (That's grade 13 to an non-Ontario folks, though it's a thing of the past now).

See, it might have been a duck, but I called it a goose. I was called "duck" by a number of boys in school for years, so I was more inclined to believe it was actually a goose. It went on for years, the teasing, though stopped for reasons that still remain vague to me. There may have been a variety of reasons.

In grade 11, my grandfather died and my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer within weeks of each other. In grade 12, my mother died and I moved in with my father at grandma's house, where I lived with his substance abuse problems full time and was randomly kicked out several times. Then in OAC we moved out of grandma's and she died soon after. Around this point I was dumped for the first time. And that's just the stuff I can write publicly about. It was a rough three years.

When I attended a friend's birthday party in OAC, she was given this stuffed goose and I for some reason felt drawn to it. My friend was good. She pretty much allowed me to adopt the thing when parting with it at the end of the night seemed to upset me.

This goose became a sort of talisman/security blanket/compulsion with me. I had to carry it around. I took it to class. He sat upright on the corner of my desk. He came with me to lunch. He was in my hands on the bus. I never left for school without it.

Did I lose my mind a bit? I wouldn't say that. But I think something in me was broken, damaged and in need of comforting. A little regression maybe. People questioned me about the thing, yes, but actually, I don't remember getting too much flack for it. Teachers looked the other way after laughing weakly at my confusing behaviour. Popular kids who had been hurtful to me years earlier said nothing. My friends accepted the goose as par for the course and life went on.

I don't know why I brought it up today, but my oldest friend posted this picture on Facebook of me and another friend of ours in high school, and there was the goose.

I showed it to the Dude, who I think never fully believed me. Photo evidence of a burgeoning teenage breakdown, held in check from a benign addiction to a stuffed animal. We do what we can to stay okay. Some kids would have started drinking. Others would have done drugs. I carted a goose around. I'm comfortable with that.

Climate Change

I have been in an absolute fog lately. I've been forgetful, scatterbrained and somewhat mentally absent in general. More so than usual. I have a to-do list that is growing and I've been neglecting things like household chores and my novel. 


This is a roundabout way of saying I've been feeling preoccupied. Actually, I'm still in bed as I write this. It's my day off and I do have things I could be doing and yet here I am. My kittens are doing rounds of battle on the bed at my feet. I hear the occasional growl over my laptop screen. Now? They're taking five to groom themselves. I feel like they are more productive than I am.


Yesterday was that crazy downpour. Weather has gotten so extreme as of late. I remember winters where the snow was up to my knees. Summers were hot and humid, but not nearly so painful. I don't remember those walls of heat and the feeling of literally being cooked just from being outside. Rain was more frequent and it would last most of the day and drizzle down, not come after periods of drought and then pour in buckets for an hour straight and cause floods.


Obviously climate change is happening. We can see it all around us. Our winters are getting milder and our summers unbearably hot. And yet for some reason all the leaders want to do is ignore it. I can't help but notice that those most in denial about this problem have something to gain financially. And those who have power to do something but opt not to are going to be dead by the time it really gets bad. To hell with the rest of us, I guess.


I wonder about the life a future child of mine would live. Going out to play in the summer is, frankly, agony. It's too damn hot. It's just not safe to be running around out there in humidity that feels like 40 degrees and a sun that can scorch your skin to a crisp. And winter? Well, sledding down hills is out, if the recent past is a sign of the future. No snow. And ice skating outdoors? Not cold enough. The only good thing would be not having to wear a snowsuit under the Halloween costume.


I wish this was more of a priority over "growth". Growth is all well and good, but not if the planet has gone to shit. Any time I hear people prioritize the economy over the environment, all I can think of is a bleak and increasingly humid future and the death of outdoor ice hockey.

Garden Update

Gardening is expensive. The Dude (Mostly the Dude) spent $300 in June on plants and mulch and grass seed. And that's on top of how much we spent in May to get it all started. I've capped my husband off of buying anymore backyard related items. I admire his exuberance, but would enjoy more dollars in our bank account. That said, the garden's looking pretty darn good, minus the suffering grass.

The tomatoes have finally started to grow, though I can't say much about the peppers. Nary a pepper to be seen, and the zucchini seems to have issues. They grow and then stop and then rot. I have to look into this. Last year they were effortlessly easy.

Most people who see the garden or hear about our efforts then ask about how long we're planning to stay. Well, a few years probably. We've replaced the lighting fixtures in the living room and kitchen because they were shoddy, icky and ugly. Of course when we moved in, we went to the trouble of painting the place. We tore up the crappy stairwell carpet and put down vinyl flooring. Even if you don't own, you can still make your place a home.


For the first time in a long time, I just want to stay in one place and nest. 


On a completely different note, I've been exhausted lately. I'm going to have a nap.

Oh, Canada...

Oh, Canada Day weekend. You came, you saw, you left. And I've managed to go a week without updating.

I made no overt patriotic displays this year. For the first time I feel a lack of pride in my country. I loathe our government. I mean, frankly, most Canadians do. Conservative support has fallen below 30%. They are allowed to do whatever they want. They had just under 40% of the vote and got all the marbles and they've been systematically tearing down my home ever since.

Our country is being plagued with unnecessary expenses such as, for example, a temporary crystal roof for the House of Commons, even though they're cutting down on meat inspection. I mean, who cares what Parliament looks like for a few years during renovations in light of the fact shoddy inspection of our food could kill us. A building, a symbol, a thing is being given more priority than people.

Speaking of shafting people, they want to double-bunk prisoners. Worst idea ever. Never mind the fact that'll only harden these people further before they're released in society due to the more violent living conditions, and the drug dealers going off house arrest and going into prison instead will get their free education in, well, drug dealing. Ideology over good sense, logic and evidence.

And this whole pipeline crap? Seriously? Beyond the lurking environmental disaster that is pretty much guaranteed, who would profit from this? Well, the simple answer is not the Canadian people. And since the answer is not us, why is this even a thing, especially since it has the power to destroy our land?

Don't even get me started on those bloody jets.

And the omni-bus budget bill. AND the omni-bus crime bill, both of which were total sideswipes at Canadian values and proper procedure. And this from the man who prorogued government twice to avoid accountability after campaigning on being accountable. He is the most sinister prime minister we've ever had. I have no doubt he'll go down in history as the most polarizing and destructive.

I can't count all the lies this party has told, I weep when I think what poor hands we're in for the next few years, I am afraid of what will happen to my country, a place I no longer feel all that proud of. We're not number one in anything. Real quality of life is lowering. Opportunities are few. Life is more expensive.

I wish we were a more passionate people. One of the worst things is the fact so few people even seem to care.

The Abortion Diaries

I recently watched this video: The Abortion Diaries. With the war on women going on, and yes, there is a war, especially in the United States, I think it's important to tell women's stories.

It's about 30 minutes and it's worth watching. The pro-life (Anti-choice) crowd is getting so much more air time these days. We can't allow ourselves to grow lax. We can't allow the uninformed to choose for us. We can't allow men to decide if we become mothers before we're ready. We must remain vigilant that our rights and our lives are considered more important than the potential lives we may carry.

And people out there are asking the right questions. Take a look at this video when a man asks pro-lifers to think deeper about their stance about abortions being made illegal.

When I was a girl, I thought sexism was over. I thought my mother and grandmother fought that fight for me. No. They fought their fight. There will always be misogynists biding their time, waiting for a new generation of unsuspecting women, ready to push back on hard-won rights, wanting them out of the high paying jobs, not enjoying sex on their terms and having plenty of babies to keep them busy at home.

Why? I have no fucking clue. Hating a massive group of people tends to stem from not really seeing them as people. Or a lack of empathy. Or greed because you want more resources or opportunities for yourself. Or you just really have a superiority complex that must be fed. I don't know.

And why are women pro-life? Lack of empathy, again. Lack of compassion. Lacking sense of sisterhood with other women (not just people you know, but women everywhere). Lack of plain bad luck in life, leading to belief all problems are avoidable. Lack of imagination to conceive of situations abortion would be best. Lack of education of what abortion is and the stages of pregnancy. Fear of social stigma in community. Misplaced sense of self-righteousness.

I worry about American women, who are losing their right to reproductive freedom week by week. Soldiers are cheered as "fighting for our freedom," when in fact there are no invading threats to American freedom from outside the country. Sure, there are terrorist groups, but they're incapable of sustaining such a coup as to take down the country. But there is a threat to American freedom, to the pursuit of happiness. It's coming from within the ranks of governments across the land and it's attacking the freedom of half the population.

I'm a Canadian, so I'm out of the American political conversation and voting. But I feel the sisterhood. I want better for American women. I want them stand up and cry foul. I want men to say this is crazy; we need to stop doing this to our mothers and daughters and sisters and nieces and wives. I want everyone to stop fussing over what is unborn and start giving a massive shit about those who are actually here.

I also don't want this bullshit crossing the border.

Can, Can, Can you do the Can Can?

Today I made my first batch of strawberry jam. How did it go? Oh, not too bad, I think, but the proof will be in the ironic hypothetical pudding.

Sterilizing and heating the jars in a canner.

Little dark, but here is the first layer of berries to be mashed.

Lemon and sugar added to the mashed strawberries.

Brought to a high boil for 1 minute.
After boiling, I added pectin.

After stirring and skimming for five minutes, it's ready to be funnelled into the jars. 

Heat processing.

Ready to cool and be stored!

I bought liquid pectin and followed the instructions, as well as reading up online. I sampled it and it's got pretty good flavour. I'm hoping to use it in strawberry turnovers this summer. The Dude will be one happy man.

Baby Focus

Oh man, I am at an impasse in my life.

This is the age. Now, if you never want kids, this isn't the age at all. You will have more time to do everything you want to do because your looming infertility isn't on the horizon and you can take things slower or faster without worrying about the sacrifices involved in becoming a parent. And don't think this knowledge isn't tempting. On an intellectual level, it has a definite allure.

But when your heart knows you want a child, there's no reasoning your way out of it. I think of how gross it'll be for many years. Hell, when I was 6 I saw a mom wipe a kid's nose and think, Ugh, I never want to do that. And thinking on it, my mom rarely wiped my nose. I recall her tolerating sniffling a lot. That's one way to avoid the ick. And yet I still want to do it.

I think of the reduced income. Despite formulating a frugal plan that will involve cloth diapering, breastfeeding, making my own baby food and buying things second-hand, there will be things like daycare to consider. Daycare in this city is wild. Not unfair, mind you. Daycare service providers need to pay their bills, eat, and live, plus cover all their overhead, hence they charge what they need to. But still. Damn. And despite less money, I still want to do it.

The Dude and I are saving for Paris. We want to spend a week there, have one good hurrah before we plan for a family. But really? I wouldn't be that disappointed if we couldn't go, say, due to me already being pregnant. No, I'm not expecting or anything. But Paris < baby. I want the adventure, but I'd be okay without it.

It's been easy to keep this desire quiet for the last three years, which is when it cropped up. The Dude was going back to school, something that doesn't make for a good financial situation if you're a new parent.  Then it was because I was unmarried, which is something I wanted to do first. I originally thought buying a house would be prudent, but now that we've been significantly out-priced of the market for the foreseeable future, I'd rather not wait any longer. House prices fluctuate, finances change. Fertility only goes south, and so that's the call I'm heeding.

Somehow people still aren't aware that making babies in your late 30s can be hard sailing, and sometimes you can get aged out of the boat. You don't even know what kind of fertility you have until you try. But statistically, after 30 things start dropping, and by 35 you're racing against time. 5.5 years is not really that much time. I've learned that just by writing this blog. Three years have zoomed past and it's felt like practically nothing. Putting things off longer and longer would risk me losing out on something I want.

I think about having a child every day. I wonder if that's something my body is doing to me or if it's an emotional vocation to parenthood. I think maybe also I'm just tired of my focus being on me.