The Checklist

So, I don't have The MS. Whew. My doctor was very apologetic about my emotional turmoil surrounding my fear... that she gave me. I forgave her for freaking me out. And it's good, in a way. I mean, passing along my reactions helps her with her bedside manner. I started seeing her when she was a resident, so even though she's a qualified doctor now, she's still learning.

But yeah, she did some tests to determine if I was suffering any symptoms of MS and no, I have none. I have an MRI coming up, low priority, to see what this back thing is, but it's not looking neurological, so actually that's kinda all I care about. Everything else I can work with. No MS. That's the ticket.

Moving on.

I have a list of things to do, things I ought to have done already either because they're very easy or really fucking important. And yet no. What is wrong with me, you ask? Well, heck, I've been trying to figure that out for years.

1. Renew passport. It expired almost a year ago. And I've got less than two months to do this before I have to start over from scratch. Am I going anywhere? No. Do I lead an exciting life where I may be whisked away for a spontaneous adventure? Uh-uh. Do I have any plans to leave the country in the next several years. Nope.

But that ain't the damn point. I should have a valid passport because apparently I am an actual adult. And anyway, I don't have a damn driver's licence as I allowed my G1 to expire back in 2005, so I kinda need something other than my OHIP that's all official-like to indicate I am who I say I am.

This means I have to (gasp) print out a form I've already filled in, get my photo taken a few minutes from my house and then insert these things in an envelope and mail them via the mailbox a couple minutes away. I'll have to cross a street. I have an entire day off every week. I have not managed to accomplish this.

1.a. Get an Age Of Majority or LCBO card to at least be able to buy alcohol without needing a passport.

2. Have a hair appointment so I can look decent again. I found a hair stylist minutes away who is affordable and good, whose hours don't make me sob in despair. I don't remember my last colouring. I'm getting too used to seeing my grey hairs.

2a. Make sure I get photos for passport taken after hair appointment so I can look good unlike previous passports.

3. Get water tested for lead. Oh yes. In this city we appear to have a lead issue! I drank tap water throughout my pregnancy. I fed my baby formula made with tap water. Boiling doesn't destroy lead. And their suggestion is to just breastfeed any babies. A) that ship has sailed and B) if you drink the water yourself, don't you have breast milk with lead in it...?

Anyway, I know why I haven't tested it. I can't go back and not drink the water. If there's damage, it's done. And I have no power as a renter to get the pipes upgraded anyway. But I still should. I mean, if there's frigging lead, I ought to be able to tell my landlord and at least see if anything changes.

And heck, I can get this tested right by the hair salon.

4. Finish Jack's baby book. I just need to print some pictures. Which I can do where I get my passport shots. Which I'll do after a hair appointment.

And if you follow, all I need to do to be productive is make a hair appointment.

With nice hair, maybe I can be as fabulous as this kid:

The MS

I am, like, the laziest blogger. But I'll try 'n stuff. I will.

So tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment. A few months after I had Jack, I started getting this fuzzy tingling on my back. It would come and go. I have no idea what the hell it is, but since I was recovering from Mega Pregnancy™, epidural and a C section, I figured my body was just sorta figuring things out.

At one of Jack's appointments, my doctor asked me how I was doing and I mentioned the back thing, not really thinking anything of it. Her first questions, or maybe just the only one I remember, was, "Does anyone in your family have MS?"

What.the.actual.fuck.

And no, no, there is no family history of that, yeah, okay, what? MS you say? I could have that? And I don't know if the look of alarm registered on my face, but she said to let her know if it persisted.

When I got home I did what any sensible person would do and I googled the shit out of MS. I then convinced myself I had MS. Then I spooked the Dude into thinking I had MS. Then I was feeling lazy on the couch and asked him to get me a bowl of ice cream, please, because I had "the MS." And then I stopped feeling it, so I forgot about it and calmed my ass down.

Well, it's back. Back! And, you know, I'm just going to see what this is. For one, I just need to know it's not MS. Two, it's annoying. Maybe I effed my back during my pregnancy or something.

Vaccines for Baby

I took Jack for his four-month immunizations today. It was about as much found as it sounds like.

So, the appointment was at 2:00, which meant that it would really be at 2:15. Jack now weighs 15 pounds, 2 ounces. He went from being this Goliath baby to being in the 50th percentile for weight. Fine by me. He's 66 cm long, which clocks him at the 85th percentile for height. So he's essentially a lanky baby, like his Pa.

I don't remember his head circumference. Probably since I didn't vaginally birth him, I'm not as emotionally invested in that one. Ha!

It was funny seeing my doctor. When I got pregnant last year I was due for a physical, but since I was seeing midwives who were taking my blood, urine and such, I didn't see the point of additional care. So she never learned I was pregnant. The last doctor's appointment for Jack was with another doctor because mine was away. So it had been literally two years since she'd laid eyes on me and look! A baby! I felt slightly sheepish.

Jack's taken up shrieking and squealing as of late, like he just learned he has a voice of his own and he can use it. This started in earnest at the doctor's office. My boy, he's got the impeccable timing. It's cute for about 2 minutes, then you start feeling your face burn as people look at you, like your baby's a wind-up toy and you're making these noises happen on purpose.

Taking Jack out to these appointments is a little rough since he doesn't see fit to nap in his stroller. Or maybe it's the car seat that's fitted into the stroller. He doesn't much enjoy being in the car either, so maybe he just doesn't like the seat. Anyway. This gives me a two-hour window of good wakefulness before the crank starts. I had to wait for my doctor and then after seeing her, I had to wait an 20 extra minutes to get the shots, putting Jack about 15 minutes past his normal nap time. That went well (No, it didn't).

There's something about holding your baby, who's tired but managing to keep it together, and then watching his face crumple after he realizes he's been pricked. Oh, the wailing, the sobbing, the fat baby tears. You feel like an ass. I mean, you're not an ass because now your kid won't die of whooping cough or get polio. But this baby has no idea why his mother was holding him and allowed such a thing to happen. Thank god babies have the memories of a gold fish. He calmed down soon enough, though he was disgruntled for quite some time.

Colour me unimpressed.

I felt some sort of treat was in order after that ordeal (for me), so we went to Menchies. His naps were already shot, so I figured I might as well enjoy some delicious frozen yogurt. Go into a Menchies and try not to feel happy. You can't. It's impossible.

The Dude has been helping his brother move this week, so I'm more or less on my own until Friday night. Le sigh. Good thing Jack is such a calm kid. Minus the new shrieking, of course.

Lazy

I've been doing the gym thing now for eight weeks now, going on nine. I'm one lazy bastard. I really and truly am. I am sedentary. So this actually is a big deal for me.

I wasn't fat going into this commitment, but I certainly was in poor shape. I was given a full work-up and learned I was as unhealthy as I had suspected I was. Very exciting. Validation at its worst. My measurements were taken and I was weighed, my endurance and flexibility catalogued. And interestingly they did this ultrasound-type thingy to measure my muscle/fat density. I was squishy.

There's the foundation program you start out with to get used to working out, get some sort of base ability, and then after that they work on building your muscle. This makes you more able to sustain the exercise to lose weight and such. I don't need to lose a lot, really. But I certainly wouldn't mind five fewer pounds on my frame.

I've noticed some differences. One, I'm stronger. My shoulders, thighs, arms and butt are looking firmer and mildly leaner. My sides are a little trimmer looking, but again, it's mostly increased firmness. My abdomen, though, is my cross to bear. The pebble in my shoe. The ant in my picnic. IBS, man. The constant bloat I sport means almost constant distention. And I know it's distention because a colonic deflates that bad boy and I get to experience normalcy for a short while and enjoy the lovely flatness of stomach happiness. Then I eat something that tastes good or I have a bad day and boom. Like there's a balloon in my tummy.

I'm signed up for six months. I have four and a half months left to go. I could have signed up for a year, but something stopped me. I think because eventually I'm going to scale us back a lot to prepare our finances for a baby. But who knows. Maybe I'll keep it up. Getting in better shape has been a 2012 goal of sorts. No reason I can't try to maintain it.

My other goal, my book, is at 45,000 words. I'm doing a lot of editing right now, reworking sentences, making foreshadowing choices, refining the story, expanding the dialogue. Sometimes it's difficult to plough forward, and to keep invested it's nice to improve on what you've got. Sometimes my editing choices give me ideas for the next chapter, too.

But oh mercy, it's a long road. Long, long, long. The idea of finished strikes me as this wild fantasy. I have no idea how that will feel. Will feel, not would feel. This is definitely happening.

The Decor/The Shot

My arm hurts. Tetanus effing shots are not for me. Unless I'm in danger of contracting something, forget it. I'm not doing this again.

I went to the doctors last week for my yearly physical. I mostly complained about my IBS and got a note for my work about it. And then they talked to me about my shots. Was I current? When was my last booster? Well, I don't recall getting one as a teen. My mom was sick around that time, and when she died my father hadn't kept up with my doctors appointments.

So they said I needed my tetanus booster shot. So I had it. I regret everything.

The first couple days were not a big deal. I went out, I had a little to drink, I lived my life. Then yesterday the pain really started to sort of kick in. While at the decorators (I'll get to that), I noticed my arm was a little wonky. I couldn't really raise it up. This was five days after the shot. I hadn't attributed the pain to the shot because it'd been almost a week, but the Dude made the connection for me.

And well, yeah, the exact area of the injection is what hurts. And it's radiating out and causing muscle aches through my shoulder blade. Bloody hell. I mean, seriously, you think you're in the clear and then suddenly you're not. Massage helps. I have drugs for my strain injury that seem to work. I can only take them once a day and they exacerbate my IBS, so I quit taking them. But I've taken one tonight and gotten some peace.

I feel riddled by bullshit health issues. I want to be dismantled and reassembled properly.

So, back to this decorator. I have been vigilant about the wedding budget. I have been squirrelling away more money than I thought we'd need. The end result is something of a surplus, which I have decided to channel into something I thought was out of our reach: professional decor rentals.

Now, if this was the on season for weddings-- well, scratch that, we could never afford a nice wedding during the on season. But if we were to try, we'd be spending around $5,000 more than what we are for the same or similar stuff.

I was able to bypass packages that started at $1,750 for reception decor and $1,500 for ceremonies and get a la carte for the whole thing to the tune of $1,000 total, after tax and set -up fees. They book usually four weddings a Saturday and with five weeks to go, had only booked one. Therefore I could negotiate.

It didn't start off too well. I mean, I'm not good on the phone. I'm really not. I left an email for a well-reviewed decorator and she called me in the morning and woke me. I was getting up any minute, but I was still disoriented. I talked in circles around this poor woman until I finally figured the moment had come to tell her I wasn't a loon, I was just sleepy.

I made an appointment and the Dude rented a Zipcar. Our Zipcar was missing when we got to the parking lot and so we had to trek to another location after calling the company, leaving over 20 minutes later than planned. I called the decorator and left quite possibly the most ridiculous message known to human kind. I rambled about Zipcar, the traffic, apologized and then realized my phone was beeping. So then I started talking about the beeping. Then I hit some buttons and tried to hang up. Then I realized she was only on hold and I kept putting her voicemail on and off hold while I tried to understand what I was doing, frantically asking the Dude for advice about the technology.

I managed to hang up and then realized that not only did I sound completely out of my mind this morning, I was also late and had just left a message that confirmed I was in fact a ridiculous person.

*Sigh* And I kind of am. Part of me, to be honest, sort of embraces it. I come by it honestly. When I was a kid, my mom pulled into a Tim Horton's drive through and realized at the window that she had no money. So we dug through the cushions and mats in the car until we actually managed to find enough change to pay for our doughnuts. You know, rather than driving away without the doughnuts. That didn't even come up.

So yeah, it was a foolish day for me. But! We got some lovely sandblasted trees with high stands that'll have crystals hanging from them for the ceremony. We'll also be getting these lovely blue textured tablecloths that'll be pinned up all pretty-like. These things will really punch up the day. I was willing to do without, but happily I can afford more of the sort of wedding I want. Actually, now I kind have the wedding I was looking for. I want for nothing.

Except for my arm to stop hurting. I still want that.

Aunts and Uncles

I found out today that my aunt had a heart attack. I have many aunts. This aunt is my godmother. I last saw her at her daughter's wedding in Mexico. She survived the heart attack, is back at home and is on bed rest for months. She's also in Vancouver, which means I can't see her.

My cousin called me this morning and we had a long talk about it. I work today, but that was shot after getting this news. I just couldn't concentrate. I did about half my work before external sources took over, and through the power and folly that is technology I was prevented from getting anything further done, removing my responsibility in the matter. Normally tech problems frustrate me. Today they were a god send.

I miss my family. Knowing that my aunt is sick and that I can't see her is difficult. If she were in my hometown, I'd be making arrangements to get back for a few days to see what I could do for her. I'm used to being several hours away from everyone, so it's easy to ignore the fact Vancouver is so far away. I push that away in my mind, and let it out when I know I'm close to seeing them all again. I get excited and almost giddy with anticipation.

She's only 60 years old, which is young, but at the same time disturbingly old since she's perpetually about 50 in my mind. My own mother would be 61 this past January. Hard to comprehend.

My uncle in my hometown had cancer removed from his colon recently. He's in the hospital, fighting off a complication from the surgery. This uncle is the one I stay with when I visit back home. My aunt is my blood relative and the two of them were like surrogate parents after my dad gave up on me. He quite literally decided to move to a place where there would be no room for me in his home while I was in college, so that when I came back for the summer I had nowhere to go. My aunt and uncle opened their home and never closed it.

So now these two people, this aunt and this uncle are experienced medical problems, the kind that come about from age, yes, but they're still young. And they're people I love and value, people who have taken me in like their own child when I needed it, and after my mother passed and my father took me in and threw me out at whim, I needed it a lot.

Sometimes getting older is painful because of the fact other people are getting older, too. Sometimes I wish I could freeze people in time. I'm choosing optimism right now. But unfortunately, I can't unknow what I've learned about the unfairness of life. And that'll keep me up tonight, and tomorrow night, and probably for many nights after that.

Ye Olde Kink

This morning I pulled my neck. I was having this weird dream (Does anyone ever have a not weird dream? Like where they drove to work and came home? Or would that be weird because that's such an undreamlike thing?) and when I woke up, my neck was tilted, my ear nearly touching right my shoulder. Who knows how long I was sleeping like that.

It really hurt and so I stretched and turned over. And then it happened. Inexplicably sharp pain, the kind that demobilizes you in ways that shouldn't make sense. After a few more attempts to stretch and massage the kink, it showed me who was boss and I was debilitated. I couldn't turn my head, I couldn't sit up, and I whimpered like a pansy.

The Dude had to bring me pain killers, water, and the phone so I could call in sick (Which always feels so weird 'cause being unable to walk a few feet and work really makes a statement of how unwell I think I am). I spent the day in bed propped up with pillows with a heating pad behind me, unable to move and feeling bored and useless.

Often when I get sick or if I take a day off and do nothing, I don't feel like that. Something about today really felt like an utter waste of a day of my life.