Try

It is colder than Frosty's asshole out there.

It's also the last day of my vacation. Tomorrow it's back to the grind. So to stretch out my day and make it feel more indulgent I redeemed a Groupon for a manicure/pedicure in Mount Pleasant. And it was pleasant, the neighbourhood and the nail salon. It was called Fabulous Manicure Bar, which is not the most appropriate name, I think. Not because it wasn't fabulous, but because the best adjective would be "charming". But I suppose Charming Manicure Bar isn't so catchy.

Going out into that freezing abyss was total crap, though. My god, it got cold fast. It felt blistering out there, the kind of chill that really penetrates your bones. I have an incredibly warm coat, which is mandatory in this country, but still.

I have the rest of the day to spend as I please. I need to do some more drawings for my aunt's book, so that's on my to-do list. But I also want to write. I have made a practice of blogging these past few years, which has been very helpful in keeping me in practice. I think it's important not to get lax about it. I did that with my drawing and it doesn't come quite so easily now, not the creative part. I don't want writing to become a struggle. If you can't write creatively, forget it.

Really, though, my problem is motivation. My biggest obstacle is myself. I'm not a go-getter. I enjoy being comfortable. I'll do what I need to in order to get comfortable and then stay there, more or less. I don't shoot for the stars. I enjoy my life, I love my free time, but sometimes I really think I should be attempting more, just to really try, see what I can do.

Artist

I've started work on my aunt's book. I've gotten three pages done, and I'm aiming for 12. My drawing style has always been cute and childlike, cartoony really. So this is something that is working out nicely for me. It feels good to draw again. It's like riding a bike, I guess.

Though I'm shaky. I used to have a much more fluid hand. I'd sometimes draw a person without having any idea what they were going to look like and make the decision on the spot as my pen moved across the page. Now I'm more unsure and less confident.

So strange what being young can do for your ability to learn. I mean, it's not strange. It's science. Your brain isn't fully developed yet. The things you learn as a kid have the benefit of neurons going crazy and making new connections to help you along the way. When I draw now it's like I can still feel the connections my hands and brain made together as a child, but it's weaker.

Learning to draw as an adult, or even as a teenager I think leaves you somewhat disadvantaged. Not that you're out of luck, but that you have to work harder. But that's the same in many things, like music or dance. Certain things you learn as a kid you sort of hardwire into your brain and body and you can draw on it later without strain. Though I'm a little rusty, and despite not having been at the drawing board for years, I can still watch my hands do, more or less, what they know how to do. It's very encouraging.

I have these lovely new markers at my disposal. I'm unpracticed in them, but one thing I learned as a kid and as a teenager as I dove into new mediums: confidence is half the battle. If you have an artistic ability, you can figure it out as you go. The lessons learned from one medium will translate in some way to another, if you have the courage to try. Having faith it'll work out goes far.

I want 2012 to be a year of artistic revival for me. I want to reopen that part of myself I let go dormant. Art school sort of quieted me. I actually learned a significant amount of things and it was valuable, but it shut me down. Eight years later, I'm feeling ready to try again. Less about making a living, more about personal fulfillment. I can be an artist as a person; I don't have to be an artist as a profession. What I do to pay the bills need not be what defines who I am.

Lovely thought.

The Non-Finisher

I don't finish things. I'm a creative type of person who just doesn't, for whatever reason, finish my projects. I drive myself crazy, and it's a short drive.

My graphic novel sits untouched. But frankly, I just can't. Not till I'm older and certain parties are, well, not around to read it. I also feel a little unresolved in my youth. I mean, it's not over and perhaps I need more aged perspective to really tell the story properly. In any case, I feel paralyzed over it and so it remained untouched for a long time.

I've started many novels I've not completed. I get these flashes of productive artistry that fade quickly and leave me with chapters of a tale that goes nowhere.

I did complete a series of abstract drawings several years ago. And that was a pleasurable thing. It's not as though they were displayed anywhere, but they were a collection of feelings and emotions expressed simply during a period of change in my life.

I've catalogued the materials I need to get started on my aunt's project. I'll either order them direct or buy them in the store this week. This will be something I finish, if only because I've got someone I love depending on me to do it.

I need to channel my energy better this year. There are many sides to life and my personal life is rather under control. My creative life needs attention. I want to make 2012 count for something. It's my last year in my 20s and I would like to use it wisely.

Painting Teapots

This evening I painted a ceramic teapot with my friends for my birthday (A couple days early). I have this thing for cows for some reason. I'm not sure why, but I think cartoon cows are just the cutest. So I painted cows on my teapot.

It was nice to be creative and actually make something. Growing up, art was something that provided me countless hours of entertainment, and eventually came to define me. I was the class artist, I did an animation program and I took art every year. I went to an arts program in college and that's where it all fell apart for me. I realized I couldn't become a commercial artist and I backed down. Looking back, I shouldn't have given up. I could have become a decent graphic designer, I think.

But being the lesser artist in a room full of talents, in a program with many such rooms, I got discouraged and quit. There's creating art for pleasure, and there's honing your skill for monetary gain. That's something language is for me. I create transcripts every day, accurate and grammatically sound. But art? Somehow it was too personal for me to get too technical about it on the terms of an institution. And I wasn't good enough, flat out. Compared to the general population, I have talent. Compared to artists at large, I'm nothing special, and thus not going to make money off art.

My aunt wants me to illustrate her children's book, and I intend to do it. But first I need to get new supplies. I've let things go so much that I haven't even got the materials I need anymore. Maybe this coming year will be a artful one for me. Perhaps I'll get back in touch with my artistic side. It's in there somewhere.